Sunday Bloody Sunday School

My father, being the good catholic boy that he was…would stick his dick into anything…..including the atheist woman he ended up getting pregnant. In an effort to prevent me from going straight to hell, do not pass purgatory, do not collect $200….he did the good catholic thing and married that atheist woman. The day I graced this world with my presence they had decided I would not be Baptized. Instead they would leave it up to me as I got older to decide whether I wanted to be saved with my father or burn in hell with my mother. The decision would have been so much easier had they been honest about how much fun sin really is.

My grandmother who was sick and dying no matter how hard she prayed was convinced that only Catholics get to go to heaven and so in an effort to make her happy at age 14 I decided to get baptized…..for a goof. In order to do this I was told I had to go to Sunday school and study something called the catechism.

So for the next several weeks I went, I was enrolled in grade one, and I was the smartest kid in class since everyone else was 6. Little Elsie Grennier thought she was so fucking good at remembering the lords prayer but I showed her. Kicked her fucking ass in the lord’s prayer spelling bee too……..little bitch.

The one thing I did learn at Sunday School is you cannot go to Sunday School when your old enough to know some priests fuck 14 year old boys. I was on constant guard, the priest would say “how are you today my son” and I’d say “kind of sick actually, bad diarrhea and I think I broke my wrists….I can hardly move them…..id be pretty useless if someone wanted to molest me today”.

In my third week they made me go to confession….with a bunch of 6 year olds….how fucking fair is that….what do they have to confess, “forgive me father I called my sister a poop face”? 14 is the worst possible age to have to go to confession, especially at a place where masturbation is a sin. I had 3001 impure thoughts just while waiting in line for confession. Then I had to go in and say “Forgive me father for I have sinned……all over the floor of your confession booth”. But it was a good opportunity to help keep the horny priests at bay, “Forgive me father, I have terrible hygiene…and carpel tunnel syndrome”.

Eventually I learned all my required hail Mary’s and lords prayers and was ready to be cleansed of my original sin. At the baptism it was just me and a couple babies getting done in. The priest rubbed some holy lube on our chests and thankfully only our chests, we bobbed for apples in the holy water and were ready to party with Jesus.

I thought I was all done with this baptism stupidity; grandma was pleased I wouldn’t burn so now I could get back to making sure I would. Being the good catholic boy that I was, I would stick my dick into anything….including the catholic woman I ended up getting pregnant.

By this point I had no use for church or religion but since my girlfriend did and she wanted our daughter to be baptized I agreed. She was dipped and saved and we went back to our life of sin. 5 years later we found ourselves back in church to plan for my newborn son’s baptism. We realized what frauds we were when my daughter was drawing pictures with the son of another couple. This little boy proudly held up his picture for my daughter and exclaimed, “I drew Jesus”, my 5 year old daughter with a look of confusion on her face said, “Who??!?”. A few more years later and my wife had decided much like myself that there is no God so if we are going to hell at least we’ll be together. And at least I wont have to see any of those bastards from Sunday School.