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Sex, drugs, violence and foul language are the building blocks of my very being. They are my foundation, all of who I am is build about a solid rock of vulgarity and general offensiveness. I take pride in it too. So now I find myself being told that in order to enter a local amateur comedy contest I need to write a pg-13 act. I don’t even know what pg-13 is? I imagine it’s a lot of fart jokes though. I sat down and wrote and wrote and you guessed it, wrote some more and I came up with a whole bunch of pages of doodles. Yet I don’t think 10 pages of cartoonish boobs and penises are going to win me anything, and it’s probably not pg-13. Eventually I tore those pages out and wrote some jokes. I think they’re funny while I’m writing them and then as I reread them I begin to just think they’re really quite lame and so I begin again. Another 10 pages of boobs and penises later I realize I’m somewhat stumped. I refused to give in though, once upon a time people like Jack Benny and Milton Berle cracked the world up without any of my go to material. I never once heard Uncle Miltie taking about how his birds and the bees talk consisted of an explanation that “some bees make honey and other bees just get it shot in their face”. So eventually after a parade of cartoon boobs and penises came together to form a rather naughty flip book I wrote some actual material. My comment about Lady Gaga looking like she applies make-up by stuffing her head in a bag of it and shaking around was left on the cutting room floor. Keeping that joke company on the floor is my joke about never eating salad unless there’s bacon and gravy on it. My jokes about the movie Twilight will never see the light of day, I cut them too although I still think it’s funny to comment how the premise of that “romantic” movie was “we shouldn’t be together because I’m not sure if I can resist the urge to eat your face”. I’m not sure if my jokes about that new TV show “More to Love” will make the cut or not. Have you seen this show? Basically it’s the Fat Bachelor and I really think that’s just what it should have been called. I think that’s less offensive than “More to Love”. If some chick told me “Your not fat, there’s just more of you to love”, Id tell her, “thanks and your not ugly, there’s just less of you to look at”. I’ve never actually watched the show but I’m betting instead of roses he gives the girls cheeseburgers. I could change my mind at the last second and put up a completely different act then the one I have written which is certainly in my character to do so. Once I have it up and running I will provide you with a link if you’re interested so you can vote for me. Since I have your attention now do you think it’s offensive to say entering me in a pg-13 contest is like entering Stephen Hawkins in “So you think you can dance”? Im not sure if I'll use that or not. Like I said at the end of the day it could just be a slide show off animated boobs and penies, Im sure 13 yr olds would approve.