May the breast man win

I'm growing increasingly worried about my 8 year old son. I keep finding his sisters Barbie dolls completely naked, hiding under his bed. Its not that they’re naked that worries me, all boys do that in fact I still do that! What worries me is they’re gagged and their little plastic arms are tied behind their backs. Oh and quick question, do Barbie dolls have nipples? If so I have no idea what he’s done with them! I’m starting to question whether it was a good idea to give him that chloroform that he asked for last Christmas.

Actually I’m thinking that around age 12 it’s probably a great idea to just buy your sons their own Barbie doll. Obviously he won’t admit it but it would be the greatest gift you could possibly give him and it would probably help keep your sears catalogue from disappearing. If you think he keeps taking it to look at hockey sticks get ready for a rude awakening. There’s a perfectly good reason why the bra and panty section flips as one giant clump of pages. On second thought forget the Barbie Dolls just buy him a bra to play with. Of course you couldn’t just hand it to him; he’d be too embarrassed for that. Just leave it under his pillow one night while he’s sleeping and he’ll think the masturbation fairy left it in the night.

Maybe he’ll even solve one of life’s great mystery’s, how to unhook one of those things. We all know men who claim they can open a bra with one finger and a toe but I am not one of those men. I’m not at all impressed when a guy tells me he can open one with ease, I just assume he’s a cross dresser. I need a well stocked tool kit and some moral support just to get through it. Bras may have been invented by a mother but the hooks were invented by a father. I’m surprised they weren’t traditionally made from barbed wire.

Not that it would have stopped us. If a set of fun bags were hidden in a labyrinth us guys would scurry through that fucker faster than a little hamster racing for a piece of cheese. No matter how treacherous the terrain we’d make it through unscathed, mouth watering, erections pointing the way. Boobs really do have that much power over us. If you don’t believe me pop yours out sometime at a football game, it could be the superbowl and every single guy in your section would be done watching the game….all eyes would be on you on the off chance you might decide to do it again.

It’s why all men dream of going to Mardi gras at least once in their life, hands full of beads and eyeglasses securely in place. Even guys who don’t need glasses are going to have them on just in case. In case you don’t know at Mardi gras angelic women will exchange a flash of their boobs for a string of beads. If you were looking for me at Mardi Gras you’d just have to spot the giant Jabba the Hutt shaped pile of beads walking through the street. It’s why I cant go….id never leave, Id rent an apartment and all Id have would be beads, and even with all that breast exposure my son laying in his bed of beads would still have his sisters Barbies bound and gagged under his bed. The only difference is perhaps Barbie would be wearing a bead necklace.