Why can't we be friends

On my first day of kindergarten I cried. This was a scary place with strange and unusual people. I remember being particularly upset that the teacher had small tits. I already had a large breast fetish and was disappointed that I would have very little to drool over throughout the coming months. Never mind the teacher the rest of the chicks in the class were REALLY flat!!! So yes I cried when mom turned and left. We had a sandbox in the classroom which was pretty cool looking back but also not a very wise decision. I was playing in the sandbox with tears making there slow descent from my face to the sand below when another child decided he needed to laugh at me for crying. I immediately decided I needed to throw sand in his eyes for laughing at me. As I sat in the “naughty chair” watching him cry I felt much better about this place. By day 2 I even made my first friend. Her name was Rachel and even through she was a “gross yucky girl” she was pretty cool. She liked Marbles and Spiderman and even smoked the same brand of cigarettes I did. Ok fine but she did like marbles and that made her ok in my book. A few short months later my gross yucky friend Rachel and I would share our first kiss. We walked home after school together since she lived near my house, 1981 was a very different time and we were not the only 5 year olds who walked home unsupervised, looking back I realize our parents must not have loved us. All that aside one fateful day our arch nemesis Tommy Martens was walking behind us and decided to push Rachel into a fence….destined to be the hero that I was I pushed Tommy Martens and punched him for good measure. Everything changed from that moment on and as a I raced home excited and embarrassed about the kiss that followed I realized what I would come to realize many many times over the course of the years that lead me to today……Men and Women cannot be “just” friends. It’s simply not possible. I know a lot of you ladies think it is and probably have a half dozen great examples you could share with me right now about male friends you have but trust me when I say this….every single one of those guys would like nothing more than to bend you over the nearest sofa and jackhammer away any possibility of you ever again sharing stories about what an asshole your husband is. I personally have two kinds of friends…..friends I want to talk about sex with and friends I want to have sex with……usually there’s no crossover for the sexes. Men on one side women on the other…..I say usually because my friend Steve has a great ass. I might consider throwing a fuckin on him if no one was looking….including Steve. Odd’s are if you’re opposite sex friend doesn’t want to have sex with you then you want to ride him off into the sunset motel. Of course some of you ladies still don’t believe me and cannot even fathom this….after all I think us guys (sick horny pigs that we are) tend to do this more often. We accept the friend roll in the hopes that maybe just maybe one day you’ll forget we have a cock and ask, “do I look good in this bra”. I’ve also come to the conclusion that spouses cannot be friends either. I just don’t think it’s possible to be friends with someone who answers “NOTHING!!!!” when asked what’s wrong. That’s why my next wife is going to be gay…..but not flaming gay because that’s just an exaggerated woman. Nope I want one of those “wow I can’t believe he’s gay” type guys. A fag named Chuck who drives a truck. That’s what I want. Can you imagine the arguments? “Hey chuck you old bastard what’s the matter?”……do you think Chuck would sternly say nothing and ignore me? Not a chance, Chuck would say….”You didn’t do the dishes even though you said you would you fucking prick”….and then I’d say “Oh fuck I’m sorry about that Chuck I forgot”…and Chuck would say “Ahhh fuck it, don’t worry about it…you get em next time…lets go shoot some pool and suck each others cocks”. Now that is the life for me. It’s either that or I have to keep waiting for scientists to come up with a way to genetically implant a vagina into my forearm. I wonder where Rachel is today….am I the only one who thinks it would be really sweet to find your first kiss and fold her over the nearest sofa? I don’t even care if she’s balding, 800 pounds with a neatly trimmed beard there’s something magical about finishing what you started. It’s probably best that I never meet any of you in person because I’m not at all shy and I’ve heard a lot of women get uncomfortable when the response to what would you like to do is “either play pool or eat your pussy till it squeaks”. Such a romantic and sweet line….who could resist right? No matter how many Tommy Marten’s I punch out I don’t think that line is every getting me laid. You’d think I would have learned that back in Kindergarten when the teacher slapped me for saying it.