Welcome to the family.....when are you leaving?

There is a certain incomparable beauty in being friends with someone long enough to feel completely at ease telling them they need to fuck off for awhile. Of course I tend to feel at ease pretty quickly with new friends and they can take it or leave it. It’s not uncommon for me to tell the thing that wouldn’t leave after the party is long over, “Why don’t you shake your ass home”.

Don’t get me wrong I have been there before, dropping the subtle hints…”Oh wow I can’t believe it’s already 4:30 am”…or “Oh wow am I going to be tired tomorrow” or my favorite, “Oh wow your still fucking here”. I can appreciate that’s its difficult for most people to find that comfort zone but I for one appreciate it. I also figure everyone should be grateful for even being in my presence so when I’m done with them they shouldn’t be offended that I tell them I’m sick of looking at them. Although it does have a negative effect on repeat booty calls…..”Thanks babe that was great but I came so can you fuck off now”…..probably not going to get me on a call back list.

I have a friend lets call him Marc because….well because that’s his name. Marc and I have been friends since we were 11 years old. For those keeping score that’s 22 years worth blackmail to keep that friendship strong. You have to be friends with these fuckers, they know all about the time you got drunk and tried to suck your own dick….and who wants that getting out. Of course I have no shame so that doesn’t work on me. I tried to suck mine, I couldn’t reach and for the record overall I’m happy that I didn’t…..there…me 1, Marc 0…try to blackmail me now fucker!!

This friend and I use that term loosely, has recently become my newest child. His girlfriend sent him packing and he showed up on my doorstep in a lovely bassinet with a note pinned to his lapel. I couldn’t turn him over to child services so I decided to take him in….after all 22 years remember….he could still tell everyone about the time I got drunk and pissed myself on a date…..oh wait I spoiled that one too……fuck it….me 2 Marc 0.

So now I have this giant child…..you see that Dupree movie? It’s kind of like that except I think Dupree had a degree of usefulness, well that and Marc hasn’t tried to slash his wrists….at least not yet. Trust me when someone says, “can I crash here for a few days”, slam the door and hide…a few days is never a few days….it’s like when you calla government office and they ask to put you on hold for a minute….these people calculate time the way you ladies calculate the number of orgasms you’ve faked for every 1 claimed add 9. I wish they’d calculate time the way a teenage boy keeps track of how many women he’s slept with……for every 10 claimed deduct 9. Id kick him out but what if he told of how I cried at the end of Rocky 2? Me 3, Marc 0!!!

So 14 days have come on gone since I was asked to provide 3 days worth of housing. This friend has found gainful employment….yes a sign that the end is near….and then subsequently slept in his first day and was fired before he ever started…..fired before he started….sounds like the night I lost my virginity. Me 4, Marc 0!!!


I’m trying to look on the positive side on the one hand for every minute he’s in my house he grows increasingly more and more in my debt….and I let him know on a never ending basis. “Marc can you run to the store for me”….”No I can’t im watching smallville”…..”Oh yeah then go sleep on smallvilles couch you lazy fuck….get your ass to the store”. I have to say it’s a lot of fun having that aggression outlet and it has the added benefit of inspiring him to move the fuck out. It’s like getting some practice for raising teenagers only its not considered child abuse if I slap a headlock on him for not doing the dishes. So for now I’ll let him stay but if he mentions anything about that time I bought a sex toy catalogue and….well, some things are best kept secret……me 4, Marc 1. Guess Im stuck with him after all.