Love for sale

I remember when I was a child my mother had Tupperware parties. I’m sure the only thing that bothered my father about these parties was how much my mother would spend increasing her collection of plastic bowls that burped. I don’t think Tupperware parties challenged my father’s maleness in any way. I envy my father. If only my wife would get together with friends to buy bowls, life would be so much better but nope…they get together and buy dildos. Big Giant veiny put a porn star to shame cocks. They call them passion parties but I just call them dildo parties because that’s what they are. And you ladies are fucking relentless at these things…..I’ve heard you……housewives who’ve been married 20 years exclaim loudly…..”Oh that’s what ones SUPPOSED to look like”. All the ladies laugh and my penis and I slink away to cry in the basement until it’s all over. Shouldn’t this be an embarrassing thing, should you ladies be buying your dildos and butt plus from some strange guy in a dark alley? I’m just not quite comfortable with my wife sitting with the wife’s and girlfriends of my friends, contemplating whether to buy the “Freedom tickler for him”.

My mother would spend maybe $40 on bowls my wife comes home dragging Santa’s Sack with her, or was it called Sancho’s Sack? Either way it’s like when I buy exercise equipment, I’m only bullshitting myself because we both know none of this shit is ever getting used. Does she really need a different dildo for every day of the week? “Fridays Dildo is loving and giving, Saturdays Dildo works hard for a living”.

She’s tried to convince me that the stuff she buys is for both of us. If that’s the case then why does all of it get smeared on her pussy? Oh look honey I bought you something so my pussy won’t make you want to throw up…….”oh really, what is it…..someone else’s pussy”? If she was really trying to buy something to enhance MY sex life it would be a bib for he, maybe some safety goggles. I don’t need all this shit, I’ve already bought something to make my sex life better, and it’s called Rohypnol.

Even though we will never use the shit she bought that still didn’t stop her from getting mad when she caught me eating her Strawberry flavored Tasty tease cream. What was I supposed to do we were out of syrup and I made the kids pancakes? They enjoyed the watermelon flavored nipple nibblers so much I ordered three more bottles.

Not all of the stuff she buys can help me out when I’m baking; some of it is really quite frightening. She bought this one thing called a “deluxe pleasure ring for couples”; this fucking thing looked like something out of that movie SAW. I just know Id end up putting it on wrong and then having to explain at the hospital that my cock needs the Heimlich maneuver.

Thankfully she didn’t feel the need to buy this one but I saw it in the catalogue, its called “The hot rod enhancer”…..if you buy this for a man its probably because at more than one time you’ve laughed out loud when he undressed. “Yeah your cock is a good size honey but it would look better if you strapped all these extensions on. Great now my cock looks like a robot….the sperminator. Sure it might feel good for her but what’s it doing for me? I imagine when you pop that shit off your prick would look like Luke’s dad at the end of return of the Jedi, all fucked up, pale and trying to catch his breath.

How about “The triple tickle dolphin”….. JESUS Christ….id need three friends just to help me hold this thing and someone wants to stick it in her pussy? Why are all these fucking dildos so huge? It doesn’t do much for the ego when your wife’s viberator looks like it could take out a storm trooper.

She wasn’t lying though; they do have a, “JUST FOR HIM” category, what a bunch of shit! You ladies have enough toy options to fill Santa’s workshop and we get happy meal toys…..and not the good happy meal toys kids get today, I’m talking about that cheap shit we got, the fucking ring stick toy or the roll the balls into the hole toy…..actually that last one is one of the just for him toys. We have that and two water balloons we can fuck. One of them even glows in the dark….perfect because every guy fucking a balloon wants to see it happening so he can be completely reminded of what a fucking pathetic douche he is. At least one thing hasn’t changed from those Tupperware days…..when I’m done fucking the balloon, it burps.