The Office bully

My boss is packing me up and shipping me off to a conference. My company is so cheap when we travel, never mind first class, we don't even get to fly coach. They just Fed-Ex us, do you know how embarrassing it is to arrive at a conference and still be spitting out those little Styrofoam packing peanuts? I don’t mind though, any chance I get to be unchained from my desk and let lose on the world I take. Every conference I have ever attended there’s always been that one guy; every office has at least one, the rebel in the bugs bunny tie. These guys used to be all bad asses back in school and now bugs bunny is as hard core as they’ll get. It’s a feeble way of saying “fuck the establishment”. I’ve always wondered what happened to these guys, the kids who used to steal lunches. What did they graduate too…..you’d think perhaps the prison system but no, those of you who like me work in an office know full well that these pricks grow up to be our coworkers. You leave food in the office fridge for later in the week right? Do you ever actually get to eat it? Please someone tell me how does this happen? In my office we all make over 60 grand a year so why the fuck can’t people buy their own pizza pops? I’m serious, offices are just like school yards for grown ups. The bully’s are there stealing your diet cokes and there’s also that one kid who sat on the merry-go-round by himself. Yes every office has that one loser you all wish would get a different job. This guy leaves the room and everyone starts in just like back in Grade 7. “What a fucking moron” and everyone else laughs. A friend of mine actually told me, “Not my office, we don’t have that guy”. I told him, “I bet when you leave the room you do”. Do you know why government employees don’t look out their office windows in the morning? Because then we’d have nothing to do all after noon. My office is ridiculous you cannot get anything done! Coffee breaks, lunch breaks, smoke breaks, lunch and breakfast meetings, workshops, committee meetings…..I have to call in sick just so I can get some work done! On top of all that my company is sending me mixed signals. They took solitaire off of our computers but we have the internet. So we can’t play cards but we can look at porn? This to me is mixed signals; I mean on the one hand they’re telling us not to play with ourselves. At least I’ll have a few days on the west coast so I won’t have to hide my pizza pops behind the frozen vegetarian meals. You notice no one every steals the vegetarian meals? Either you’re food is crap or us meat eaters are just more dishonest. Then again I don’t imagine those school bullies growing up to become vegetarians. I can’t picture anyone getting punched out for his celery sticks. I’d write more but I have to go pack my bugs bunny tie.