A Large order of TSS with a side of death please

I was reading a box of tampons the other day, yes a box of tampons….what can I say I had already read the shampoo and conditioner bottles several times each…I was desperate for new reading material. I know some people keep magazines in the bathroom for these occasions but the fact is I really don’t want to spend that much time with my own stench. I want to get in get it out and leave. Kind of like sex….but I digress. So Im reading this box of tampons and I get to a section called, “Toxic shock Syndrome”. You ladies probably know all about this already but you need to understand its all new to me. Apparently these tampons not only make you feel fresh and prepare you for an afternoon of tennis and horseback riding but they can also KILL YOU!!! I’m reading this and thinking there is no way I could survive as a woman. Apparently birth control pills can cause death in rare cases too……I don’t care how rare the case is, if I was a woman I wouldn’t go near tampons or those pills…..id leave a trail of menstrual blood and chunks of baby everywhere I went. Seriously though that is insane……do you know what the side effects of Condoms are? Nothing…..no side effects….with the exception of a sticky dick. Well ok the box says “people with an allergy to latex may find condoms irritating”. I’ve got news for the condom makers….you don’t need an allergy for that. My condom box also says, “Condoms that look old, worn, dry or brittle should be thrown away”. First of all, I think that would make an excellent warning label for some vaginas……second do they really think they need to tell me that if my condom looks like someone else was wearing it that I shouldn’t put it on my cock? Like Im going to shake it out saying, “I think we can get another run out of you”. It also says on the box not to use past the expiration date. The expiration date for condoms is about 5 years…….if I cant find a use for these things in 5 years Im just going to throw my cock away…never mind the condoms, at least the condoms could make nice water balloons. In fact I know they do because when my brother and I were 4 and 6 we found a box. Not knowing what the hell they were we assumed they were just really large slimy balloons. I imagine my mother had a sort of “toxic shock syndrome” when she came home to find her boys chasing all the neighbors with giant water cocks. I wonder if my father shook them out and gave them another run? Maybe that would explain why my sister was born. If only he had taken the time to read the box!