The Heinous Sin of Self Pollution and all its Frightfull consequences

I have noticed that everything I talk about invariably ends up about masturbation. I could be giving a church sermon and end up saying "and on the 3rd day god whacked his bag and took a nap". So I figure why fight it? Therefore I’m devoting this entire note to one of my favorite topics…..burping the worm.

I probably discovered masturbation back when I was 3 but it really wasn’t until about 10 years later that I discovered what it was really all about. Sitting on the living room floor after bath slapping your little penis around and proudly exclaiming, “look mom it gets bigger when you play with it”…doesn’t really constitute the type of masturbation I’m talking about. Its not masturbation until you’re ashamed for doing it.

I suppose that’s not quite true there is some grey area before you realize you’re supposed to feel shame and you think you’ve just made the greatest discovery in the history of man. This is around the age of 10 or 11. The only age where you think it’s perfectly acceptable to teach your best friend how much fun it is to stick your dick in the vacuum cleaner. Hey give us a break we didn’t have Nintendo Wii. I think I was 10 years old when my friend and I were gang banging my mom’s vacuum cleaner like it was Jodi foster in the accused. It was so much fun we reasoned that we were being greedy by not sharing this information with my older brother. So down the hall we went, little boners pointing the way to share this wondrous information. The first inclination that this was a shameful thing we were doing was moments away. “Sick, you guys are fucking perverts I’m not doing that”, that’s all it took and from that moment on “applying the handbrake” became my personal dirty little secret. I vowed at that moment I would never ever do this sick and twisted thing again. Of course the second I was alone in the house I noticed that the living room carpet was a little dirty so perhaps Id just give it a quick once over and hey while I’m at it why not shove my cock in it?

I realize now years later that my older brother was probably in his room “badgering the witness”, while we were knocking on his door to share our great news. We were poor, we didn’t have TV’s, videogames, or computers or even sometimes beds in our room. So there really was no reason for a 13 year old to be in there at 2:00 in the afternoon.

“Rubbing Buddha’s tummy” would be my dirty little secret, one I unknowingly shared with likely 100% of kids in my class for the next 6 or 7 years. I don’t think there was an object in my house that I hadn’t tried fucking at one time or another. Laundry baskets, furniture, shampoo bottles….. (I loved that shampoo bottle) and even food. My parents were nice enough to never question why I took two showers a day, or why I insisted at age 12 on doing my own laundry. No one questioned why I always knew exactly where the sears catalogue was (Usually under my mattress and flipped open to the bra section).

One day a kid at school told me that if you “tickle your pickle” you’ll grow hair on your palms. I could feel my hands getting hot and I knew all eyes must be on them at that very moment. I imagined my hands must have looked like part of Lon Chaney’s wardrobe. I snuck a quick look and was relieved to see that they were smooth like they should be…considering all the hand lotion I was going through. This was followed by other rumors, masturbation would make me go blind, it would make me stupid and crazy, and it caused acne and could even lead to death. At the first sign of a zit I found myself thinking, “Fuck…. I’m busted”!!!

To make matters even worse I was raised Catholic so I really felt guilty. To Catholics sperm is sacred; they don’t use condoms or any birth control for that matter. I’m sure even pulling out will get you a few Hail Mary’s at confession. This is because every single sperm is considered potential life….and there’s approximately 180 million sperm in each orgasm! Do you have any idea what kind of responsibility this puts on us teenage catholic boys? Every time I “played a little five on one” it was like committing a Catholic Holocaust. Can you imagine carrying around that kind of guilt……….several times a day? So apparently God is very much against Masturbation in fact years ago Masturbation was truly considered evil and was often referred to as the heinous sin of self-pollution. I find myself wondering, if God was so against jerking off why the fuck didn’t he just make our arms a little shorter?

Masturbation was once thought of as one of the worst crimes one could commit against humanity. Dr. Reveille-Parise wrote in 1828, “Masturbation is one of the scourges which secretly attacks and destroys humanity. It is the destroyer of civilizations.” It was truly believed to cause, blindness, acne and insanity. Medical journals were filled with articles such as, “treatise upon the Disorders produced by Masturbation “. Circumcision was offered as a possible cure to masturbation, I for one can testify that it doesn’t work.

Dr. John Harvey Kellogg was a huge advocate of circumcision of boys to reduce masturbation. Dr. Kellogg was fiercely against masturbation and even sex of any kind. He believed that if children ate bland food it would reduce their sexual desires and therefore help reduce masturbation. It was this belief that led to the birth of Kellogg’s Corn Flakes. I’m seriously not making this up…Google it for yourself. Dr. Kellogg also believed the colon was the key to good health and gave himself “Yogurt Enemas”. Now I have to interject here, if you’re against sex of any kind why on earth would you want to slap pudding all over your asshole? If corn flakes really are meant to stop me from “auditioning my hand puppet” then why do they put such a sexy rooster on the box? Is it a coincidence that the cereal invented to keep boys from “playing couch hockey for one” has a cock as its logo? I took the cornflakes challenge head on and whacked my bag while eating a bowl. The only thing it did was cause me to spill more milky white on myself than usual.

As time went on scientists discovered that these masturbation myths were as empty as their test subject’s nutsacs after a session of, ummmm, research. Test subjects were in ready supply since all those scientists were likely yanking on their own little test tubes and filling beakers on a daily basis. It’s difficult to argue against masturbation when you’re too much of a nerd to get any pussy. I have so much more Id like to share about “helping put Mr. Kleenex’s kids through college” , my hope that typing this would get it all out of my system has been unrealized. All it’s done is make me want to go hold my sausage hostage. Perhaps I just need a yogurt enema and a bowl of corn flakes.