There are no Glory Holes in care-a-lot.

You would think there’d be an abundance of glory holes in care-a-lot, especially when there are care bears with the names hugs and tugs. What exactly is tugs job up there? I have studied the care bears more than anyone can imagine, I have closely watched every single episode and I have never once seen even a hint that they had glory holes in care a lot. Obviously they don’t care as much as they let on.

I am always on the look out for glory holes, not because im deranged enough to stick my penis in one but because I have an unhealthy fear of glory holes. I am terrified that one day I will have to use a public restroom and it’s a race to beat the clock, one of those, “it’s going to be a photo finish” ones. So Im running around trying to find a restroom and when I do I settle in and suddenly there’s a knock on the side of the stall. I drag my eyes from the checker pattern tile on the floor, slowly up the side of the stall. Past, “For a good time call Sarah”, continuing on upward until I spot it…right between a swastika and a piece of gum…….the glory hole!

I have nightmares of me sitting there trying desperately to plug the glory hole…covering it with my hand only to be met with fierce resistance. Me crying while some strange penis is bouncing up and down on my palm like a trampoline. The nightmare only gets worse….suddenly glory holes start sprouting up all around me….im trapped in the stall trying to keep the penises out like im playing a game of porno whack-a-mole. I did come in there for a reason though…..im going to need that hand in order to get out of here….so then im cleaning myself up and dodging penises like Keanu Reeves in the matrix.

I wonder who it was that discovered the glory hole. Some guy sees one and thinks I wonder what would happen if I stuffed my cock in that hole….and then the other guy gets poked in the head and figures I’ve got nothing better to do may as well place some loving kisses on this strangers cock.

Although I have never encountered a glory hole I know already that I do not like them. My mother always told me not to judge something until you’ve tried it yourself but im sure she couldn’t have meant glory holes. As soon as the care bears is over I’ll call and ask her.

Dear Penthouse, please shoot me now

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

My 3 year old is trying to kill me.

I am feeling much much better today. An early morning orgasm will do that for me every time. Of course sometimes the other people on the bus get pissed off but hey read your damn newspaper and leave me alone with my thoughts. Actually I was feeling much better about 5 minutes after I posted yesterdays rant about child rapists. I got a lot of interesting comments and letters from people on that one. Most supporting my position and others telling me that God will judge them in the afterlife. Call me impatient (Or an atheist) but I cannot wait for God to move. I think it's our job here on this planet to act. As far as human rights activists? Let them speak for those who deserve to have human rights because as far as I’m concerned once you violate another’s human rights you have given up the right to yours. That’s enough of that though. What I wanted to talk about today is a much lighter topic.....serial killers. We'll move on to abortion and religion later. You know although I was just kidding here, I’m going to do an abortion post in the near future and pay careful attention to how much my friends list dwindles after that. But for now....serial killers it is. They always say...after some guy has been found with rugs made of human hair in his basement....."I never would have suspected he'd do something like that". Or "he was such a quiet man". So the implication is watch your back because you never know who could be skipping corn flakes in the morning in favor of the mailman’s kidneys. I disagree. I think there are always warning signs and I think they start showing quite early on. In fact I think my 3 yr old is a future serial killer!!!! No time outs for this kid....I need to stay on his good side. Seriously this is one deranged little 3 year old......it started once he learned to walk....he quickly graduated to jumping off his bunk bed for fun. Seriously this little psycho would climb up to the top bunk and hurtle himself off...laughing as he bounced off the floor. I kept hoping he'd break an arm....that’s one trial learning right there. I can say stop 2 dozen times and move his bed permanently into time out and the only way this lesson is getting learned is on the way to the emergency room. I love my kids I really do and I know everyone loves to praise how great and wonderful it is to be a parent but come on....I have 5 kids sell that shit somewhere else. Kids are dumb and you know it. And the worst part is you're raising them so you have no one to blame for how stupid they are but yourself!!! How else can you explain someone whose logic tells them "ok dad said I couldn’t kick my brother anymore.....so I’m going to hit him with this hockey stick". See what I mean I think all 3 yr olds are serial killers in the making. They all have that serial killer mind set. Don't listen to all those people who love to brag about how little Johnny was speaking in full sentences as he came out of the womb!!! There's always those one up people......"my kid walked at 11 months", "oh yeah my kid walked out of my vagina and asked whats for dinner". Yeah everyone claims their kids are geniuses but in reality I think they all just want to kill us. If your kid walked 3 months earlier than mine congratulations he's in a bigger hurray to slit your throat while you sleep. At about 2 and 1/2 mine threw a plate at his older brother’s head resulting in a cut which required stitches. So I tried to balance things out. I figured lets give him a few dolls for Christmas. Thinking he would learn empathy through nurturing the dolls. Instead he made a necklace out of their arms. Be afraid be very afraid!!! I’m starting to fear him...the other day I said Dylan time for bed....and he starred me down until I gave in. And the worst sign....he was stung by a wasp the other day. Apparently we have a nest in our backyard. I said "Don't worry Dylan daddy is going to get rid of all the Wasp's” And in a sweet sugary little 3 year old voice he said..."Daddy.........I want you to cut off their penises". So now I’m thinking do we start play therapy now or wait for him to start setting fire to his sister’s hamster? Ok so he didn't really make a necklace out of the dolls arms..but still at this point I’m thinking he could go either way. He'll either be the next Charlie Manson or he'll go into politics.

Welcome to the family.....when are you leaving?

There is a certain incomparable beauty in being friends with someone long enough to feel completely at ease telling them they need to fuck off for awhile. Of course I tend to feel at ease pretty quickly with new friends and they can take it or leave it. It’s not uncommon for me to tell the thing that wouldn’t leave after the party is long over, “Why don’t you shake your ass home”.

Don’t get me wrong I have been there before, dropping the subtle hints…”Oh wow I can’t believe it’s already 4:30 am”…or “Oh wow am I going to be tired tomorrow” or my favorite, “Oh wow your still fucking here”. I can appreciate that’s its difficult for most people to find that comfort zone but I for one appreciate it. I also figure everyone should be grateful for even being in my presence so when I’m done with them they shouldn’t be offended that I tell them I’m sick of looking at them. Although it does have a negative effect on repeat booty calls…..”Thanks babe that was great but I came so can you fuck off now”…..probably not going to get me on a call back list.

I have a friend lets call him Marc because….well because that’s his name. Marc and I have been friends since we were 11 years old. For those keeping score that’s 22 years worth blackmail to keep that friendship strong. You have to be friends with these fuckers, they know all about the time you got drunk and tried to suck your own dick….and who wants that getting out. Of course I have no shame so that doesn’t work on me. I tried to suck mine, I couldn’t reach and for the record overall I’m happy that I didn’t…..there…me 1, Marc 0…try to blackmail me now fucker!!

This friend and I use that term loosely, has recently become my newest child. His girlfriend sent him packing and he showed up on my doorstep in a lovely bassinet with a note pinned to his lapel. I couldn’t turn him over to child services so I decided to take him in….after all 22 years remember….he could still tell everyone about the time I got drunk and pissed myself on a date…..oh wait I spoiled that one too……fuck it….me 2 Marc 0.

So now I have this giant child…..you see that Dupree movie? It’s kind of like that except I think Dupree had a degree of usefulness, well that and Marc hasn’t tried to slash his wrists….at least not yet. Trust me when someone says, “can I crash here for a few days”, slam the door and hide…a few days is never a few days….it’s like when you calla government office and they ask to put you on hold for a minute….these people calculate time the way you ladies calculate the number of orgasms you’ve faked for every 1 claimed add 9. I wish they’d calculate time the way a teenage boy keeps track of how many women he’s slept with……for every 10 claimed deduct 9. Id kick him out but what if he told of how I cried at the end of Rocky 2? Me 3, Marc 0!!!

So 14 days have come on gone since I was asked to provide 3 days worth of housing. This friend has found gainful employment….yes a sign that the end is near….and then subsequently slept in his first day and was fired before he ever started…..fired before he started….sounds like the night I lost my virginity. Me 4, Marc 0!!!


I’m trying to look on the positive side on the one hand for every minute he’s in my house he grows increasingly more and more in my debt….and I let him know on a never ending basis. “Marc can you run to the store for me”….”No I can’t im watching smallville”…..”Oh yeah then go sleep on smallvilles couch you lazy fuck….get your ass to the store”. I have to say it’s a lot of fun having that aggression outlet and it has the added benefit of inspiring him to move the fuck out. It’s like getting some practice for raising teenagers only its not considered child abuse if I slap a headlock on him for not doing the dishes. So for now I’ll let him stay but if he mentions anything about that time I bought a sex toy catalogue and….well, some things are best kept secret……me 4, Marc 1. Guess Im stuck with him after all.

Home Sweet Sidewalk

There are a lot of homeless people in Los Angeles. I saw more boxes on the streets downtown then I did when I worked in the shipping department at Costco. It made me wonder if homeless people get envious of their neighbors for having a bigger and better box. I also saw a guy who was living in a tent and many who weren’t lucky enough to have a box and just pulled up a chunk of concrete and settled in for the night. Of course business owners don’t appreciate having all these homeless people landmines spread out on the sidewalk in front of their door and so eventually the police will come around and tell them to move along. Being homeless they have nowhere else to go and so move along means go around the corner until we find you again, rinse and repeat. It’s almost like the homeless people and cops play an all night game of hide and go seek.

I think there must be a better solution. I’m thinking we should institute a program where everyone can own a homeless person. They sleep in boxes so you wouldn’t even need to have them in your house. Just put a big box on the corner of your yard, with a little bowl out front for food and water. Most homeless people aren’t really lazy they’re just drug addicted and/or insane but where else are you going to find someone who will not only wash all your windows and mow your lawn for a piece of crack cocaine but who will also entertain your friends with stories of witnessing the birth of Christ? I think I’m on to something here. You could even buy them and give them away as gifts, Id love to give one to my neighbor who I think has an unhealthy fear of mowing his lawn. It would be a kick ass recycling system too…..just toss all your trash out and anything your homeless person can’t use or eat will be sold for more crack.

I have to restrain myself from getting on this soapbox; it’s not an easy task. There are certainly better solutions than mine…although they probably aren’t as much fun. In all seriousness though I think the money is there but the will is not. Most people equate homelessness with laziness and are therefore reluctant to spend money trying to help these people. Some one made millions producing videos of homeless people fighting and throwing themselves into walls; I can’t help but think this is cruel entertainment. Some of the most vulnerable members of society being exploited in that way…..I suppose next we’ll have mental retardation porn? Actually that sounds kind of hot……you know what Id love to see instead of bumfights why not white-collar wrestling? Wouldn’t you love to watch a couple accountants and your local politician’s body slamming each other? Just the thought of an accountant trying to throw a punch is enough to induce gales of laughter from me.

Why can't we be friends

On my first day of kindergarten I cried. This was a scary place with strange and unusual people. I remember being particularly upset that the teacher had small tits. I already had a large breast fetish and was disappointed that I would have very little to drool over throughout the coming months. Never mind the teacher the rest of the chicks in the class were REALLY flat!!! So yes I cried when mom turned and left. We had a sandbox in the classroom which was pretty cool looking back but also not a very wise decision. I was playing in the sandbox with tears making there slow descent from my face to the sand below when another child decided he needed to laugh at me for crying. I immediately decided I needed to throw sand in his eyes for laughing at me. As I sat in the “naughty chair” watching him cry I felt much better about this place. By day 2 I even made my first friend. Her name was Rachel and even through she was a “gross yucky girl” she was pretty cool. She liked Marbles and Spiderman and even smoked the same brand of cigarettes I did. Ok fine but she did like marbles and that made her ok in my book. A few short months later my gross yucky friend Rachel and I would share our first kiss. We walked home after school together since she lived near my house, 1981 was a very different time and we were not the only 5 year olds who walked home unsupervised, looking back I realize our parents must not have loved us. All that aside one fateful day our arch nemesis Tommy Martens was walking behind us and decided to push Rachel into a fence….destined to be the hero that I was I pushed Tommy Martens and punched him for good measure. Everything changed from that moment on and as a I raced home excited and embarrassed about the kiss that followed I realized what I would come to realize many many times over the course of the years that lead me to today……Men and Women cannot be “just” friends. It’s simply not possible. I know a lot of you ladies think it is and probably have a half dozen great examples you could share with me right now about male friends you have but trust me when I say this….every single one of those guys would like nothing more than to bend you over the nearest sofa and jackhammer away any possibility of you ever again sharing stories about what an asshole your husband is. I personally have two kinds of friends…..friends I want to talk about sex with and friends I want to have sex with……usually there’s no crossover for the sexes. Men on one side women on the other…..I say usually because my friend Steve has a great ass. I might consider throwing a fuckin on him if no one was looking….including Steve. Odd’s are if you’re opposite sex friend doesn’t want to have sex with you then you want to ride him off into the sunset motel. Of course some of you ladies still don’t believe me and cannot even fathom this….after all I think us guys (sick horny pigs that we are) tend to do this more often. We accept the friend roll in the hopes that maybe just maybe one day you’ll forget we have a cock and ask, “do I look good in this bra”. I’ve also come to the conclusion that spouses cannot be friends either. I just don’t think it’s possible to be friends with someone who answers “NOTHING!!!!” when asked what’s wrong. That’s why my next wife is going to be gay…..but not flaming gay because that’s just an exaggerated woman. Nope I want one of those “wow I can’t believe he’s gay” type guys. A fag named Chuck who drives a truck. That’s what I want. Can you imagine the arguments? “Hey chuck you old bastard what’s the matter?”……do you think Chuck would sternly say nothing and ignore me? Not a chance, Chuck would say….”You didn’t do the dishes even though you said you would you fucking prick”….and then I’d say “Oh fuck I’m sorry about that Chuck I forgot”…and Chuck would say “Ahhh fuck it, don’t worry about it…you get em next time…lets go shoot some pool and suck each others cocks”. Now that is the life for me. It’s either that or I have to keep waiting for scientists to come up with a way to genetically implant a vagina into my forearm. I wonder where Rachel is today….am I the only one who thinks it would be really sweet to find your first kiss and fold her over the nearest sofa? I don’t even care if she’s balding, 800 pounds with a neatly trimmed beard there’s something magical about finishing what you started. It’s probably best that I never meet any of you in person because I’m not at all shy and I’ve heard a lot of women get uncomfortable when the response to what would you like to do is “either play pool or eat your pussy till it squeaks”. Such a romantic and sweet line….who could resist right? No matter how many Tommy Marten’s I punch out I don’t think that line is every getting me laid. You’d think I would have learned that back in Kindergarten when the teacher slapped me for saying it.

Dr. Davis Telephone please…

Hospitals are a lot more fun if you wear a white coat and a stethoscope. That’s all you need...a white coat and a stethoscope and a whole new world of wonder and magic emerges before you. All my fantasies of day to day living become reality by adding those amazing items to my wardrobe. I walk into an examination room and there’s a gorgeous woman sitting there.....I ask...."what seems to be troubling you today"....she says "I'm having some pain in my chest"......you need to understand the importance of that last statement......it means that not only is there a God....he wants me to see this ladies boobies and that’s ok in my book.......so I say, "Ok I’m going to need you to remove you shirt and bra and rub these ice cubes on your nipples". Another room and another pretty lady, "ok miss I’m going to need you to remove your skirt and panties and put your legs in these stirrups"......."But Dr. I’m only here because of an ear ache". Nothing is off limits in the hospital when you’re wearing that coat and stethoscope. So I understand now why a person would subject himself to an extra 15 yrs of school...its a hefty admission price for this magical wonderland but it is well worth it. For the rest of us though the hospital is not such a lovely place......especially not for those being molested by fake doctors. But even beside that let’s face it hospitals suck. I spent yesterday morning at one and all I could think about (besides nurse fantasy’s) was how even work seemed like a better option at that point. What’s with nurse fantasies anyway? Don’t get me wrong I understand the concept from the patients point of view but do we really think some nurse is wandering around the hospital thinking, "wow I wish I could have some sick sneezing, coughing, half dead assholes cock in my mouth right now” I somehow don’t think as many cocks are getting sucked by nurses as Id like there to be. There’s definitely one less than Id like. Time moves slowly when your stuck in a room with 30 other people infested with god knows what coughing and sneezing at you. Then the Dr. asks "what's troubling you today"....."Well before I came in it was my arm but god only knows what the fuck else I caught in that waiting room". At least I hope it was a Dr. and not someone else trying to sneak into the magical wonderland side of the hospital....come to think of it did he really need to check my prostate?........that fucker!!!!You know the worst part though? I get my prescriptions and make the mistake of reading the information on the medicine. You know all those "May cause".....warnings......a lot of those May cause's are worse then the symptoms that im trying to get rid of! I got a bad cough and this shit says "May cause not only diarrhea, nausea, vomiting and nosebleeds but also "in rare cases", vision problems, unusual hair growth, thinning skin, and swelling of the face". Suddenly the cough I have seems sexy.....let’s just keep that one. Unusual hair growth and facial swelling?!?!?! Are you fucking kidding me...what good is getting rid of a cough if you end up looking like the result of Bigfoot and the elephant man fucking? The medical industry is the only industry that can get away with this shit. Can you imagine if others tried? Would you take your car in for an oil change if there was a slight possibility they'd smash your windshield? On the plus side the Dr. did tell me to take a few days off work and get some rest.....of course in order to come to that conclusion he had to stick his cock in me......apparently it's a new medical procedure.....you know im starting to think maybe I really was molested. I knew something was up too when he told me to remove my shirt and rub ice cubes on my nipples.

A Large order of TSS with a side of death please

I was reading a box of tampons the other day, yes a box of tampons….what can I say I had already read the shampoo and conditioner bottles several times each…I was desperate for new reading material. I know some people keep magazines in the bathroom for these occasions but the fact is I really don’t want to spend that much time with my own stench. I want to get in get it out and leave. Kind of like sex….but I digress. So Im reading this box of tampons and I get to a section called, “Toxic shock Syndrome”. You ladies probably know all about this already but you need to understand its all new to me. Apparently these tampons not only make you feel fresh and prepare you for an afternoon of tennis and horseback riding but they can also KILL YOU!!! I’m reading this and thinking there is no way I could survive as a woman. Apparently birth control pills can cause death in rare cases too……I don’t care how rare the case is, if I was a woman I wouldn’t go near tampons or those pills…..id leave a trail of menstrual blood and chunks of baby everywhere I went. Seriously though that is insane……do you know what the side effects of Condoms are? Nothing…..no side effects….with the exception of a sticky dick. Well ok the box says “people with an allergy to latex may find condoms irritating”. I’ve got news for the condom makers….you don’t need an allergy for that. My condom box also says, “Condoms that look old, worn, dry or brittle should be thrown away”. First of all, I think that would make an excellent warning label for some vaginas……second do they really think they need to tell me that if my condom looks like someone else was wearing it that I shouldn’t put it on my cock? Like Im going to shake it out saying, “I think we can get another run out of you”. It also says on the box not to use past the expiration date. The expiration date for condoms is about 5 years…….if I cant find a use for these things in 5 years Im just going to throw my cock away…never mind the condoms, at least the condoms could make nice water balloons. In fact I know they do because when my brother and I were 4 and 6 we found a box. Not knowing what the hell they were we assumed they were just really large slimy balloons. I imagine my mother had a sort of “toxic shock syndrome” when she came home to find her boys chasing all the neighbors with giant water cocks. I wonder if my father shook them out and gave them another run? Maybe that would explain why my sister was born. If only he had taken the time to read the box!